Depression

A few months ago, I wrote a post about feeling frazzled, not being able to focus, etc.  I was afraid I was starting to have another episode of depression when I wrote the post.  I decided that I'd start therapy to help me through the process and it's been very helpful.  I know that it's common sense to take care of your needs and wants before others, but I needed to have permission from somebody.  One thing that my therapist really stresses is to learn how to have fun.
I've been working on this over the last few months, and it's really been helping.  Here are some things I've done.  For a month, I decided that I would do NO cleaning, working, etc. for my quiet time during the day.  I was supposed to read, do something I enjoy (crafts, movies, etc.) or even just sit down or take a nap.  My house was super messy during that time, but for the first time in a long time, I felt like me.  I wasn't mom or wife during quiet time, I was just Erin.  I remember on my first visit to therapy, she asked me what I enjoy doing.  I stared a long, blank stare and then said, "I don't know".  I felt so lame when I said that.  She gave me 2 pages of different things that I could do to learn how to enjoy myself.  Some of them were so simple: take a warm bath and think about how it makes you feel, paint your finger nails, color.  Those are the things I did during quiet time until I figured out what kinds of things Erin enjoys doing.
I have found that I really enjoy Exercise.  I tend to feel anger a lot with my depression episodes.  Anger about stupid things like dropping something or forgetting to take my purse to the car and having to walk back into the house.  I love to exercise, and for me it's a wonderful anti-depressant.  She suggested that I join a gym (for exercise and social interaction).  This has been so helpful to get social interaction, and to get the angry feelings out.  I especially enjoy slamming the kickboxing bag over and over again for an hour.  I also really enjoy being outdoors.  Brian and I decided to get into snowshoeing because exercise helps us both with our depression, we love to hike, we both enjoy nature and mountains, and we need to get out even though it's cold.  We've been working really hard to accumulate the gear to do this, and last weekend, we finally had everything we needed to make it happen.  Brian planned a snowshoeing date and even found a babysitter!  It was so quiet, beautiful and peaceful up there.  We had so much fun, and we felt HAPPY!  One MLK day, we took the kids up to Snow Basin with us.  We went sledding for a while (Rebecca HATES sledding) and then while Becca and I ate lunch, the boys went for a hike.  Calvin loves his dino-stompers (snowshoes that make dino tracks).  Much to our surprise, those cheap plastic shoes worked well.

I have a hard time connecting with my kids.  I try so hard to play with them and give them my un-divided attention, but even when I am trying really hard, I can't sit still, my mind is racing, and I just do not want to play with them.  This has been one of the hardest parts of the depression.  My therapist has been working with me to help me find ways to connect.  She suggested doing things I enjoy with them.  That's been so helpful.  Again, to some that may be common sense, but it was a hard thing for me to digest.  After that, I ordered myself an adult level coloring book and I have been reading This book about spending time outside with your children and connecting with them.  Because I like to be outdoors, I thought this would help me to re-connect with the children.  It has been so helpful for me to spend 15 minutes per day outside with the kids.  I feel like this has opened up a whole new world and outlook on life.  Doing this has helped me to feel much happier, focused and connected with the kids, myself and nature.  These pictures are from a family trip to a local nature park in Syracuse.

I've also been reading The Gifts of Imperfection: Letting Go of Who you Think You're Supposed to Be and Embracing Who You Are.  The Author's TED Talk is what pushed me to go to Therapy, and this book has done so much for our family this past month.
I've been working on many things these past few months to help myself, and my family feel happier.  The next thing on my "depression to do list" is to take pictures.  My therapist suggested that I take weekly pictures of myself so that I can watch the physical changes that happen as I work on my depression.  I'm excited to see how I change over time.  I have noticed a new light in my eyes, and I even feel like I'm looking younger and happier.  It's kind of similar to weekly pregnancy pictures right?  I may share a picture comparison on my blog once in a while if I feel like there is a noticeable difference.  I'm working on being more open about who I am, what I struggle with, and what I enjoy.  I hope that this post will help somebody.  If anything, it's at least giving you an update on what I've been doing recently.


And these pics are some cute gems I found on my computer today.  Calvin and Rebecca took some selfies.