Insecurities

I started this post about 2 weeks ago, and I just realized that I had never finished it. I know it is long, but I still wanted to write about it. I hope it can help somebody other than myself.
I remember when Calvin was born, I felt so fat and so ugly, and I felt like that extra weight I had gained would never come off. I had 2 shirts that fit, and I was always between sizes of pants. They were either too big or too small. The ones that fit only fit for 2 days and then they would stretch out over the week. Every time I bent over they would fall down to the middle of my butt. If I wore the smaller size, I felt like a muffin, and gross, but by the end of the week they would stretch enough that they would almost fit. I was also in school full time, so it was difficult to spend much time cooking healthy meals or exercising regularly.
At that time, Brian was in a young single adult ward's bishopric, and I felt really self conscious being around all of those thin girls. I felt like they were always staring at me and thinking about how fat I was (they probably weren't). When I went to school, I thought the same thing. Especially since I was studying health. I thought that everybody was judging me and thinking that I just sat at home and ate Twinkies all day (Really? My imagination is so big when I think about what others are thinking about me sometimes).
I had taken a few nutrition classes for my major, but I decided to take weight management when Calvin was 5 months old. I learned a ton there, but the teacher had us work on 2 things. The first was to make sure we had 5 servings of fruits and non-starchy veggies 7 days a weeks (peas, corn and potatoes didn't count), and we had to do 10 miles of aerobic exercise per week ( 20 min of aerobic exercise counted for one mile, or walking and running a mile counted for your mile). I thought these were very manageable goals since I was taking so many credits with Calvin. This class helped me to not feel so helpless. Finding the time to exercise was really hard, but I did it (luckily I was taking a swimming class). Well, I lost all of the weight by Calvin's first birthday.



I always thought I didn't have issues with body image, etc., until I had Calvin, but I did. I have always had an intense fear of being big. There are a lot of factors coming from different angles, but I'm not going to talk about all of that, but just think about the way society makes women feel like they need to be that perfect size that doesn't exist, and quite frankly, isn't that attractive anyway.
I just remember that every day for that first year after having him, I would stare at myself in the mirror and just listen to that voice in my head saying, Erin you are so ugly and fat. Everybody looks at you when you leave the house. and they judge you for being fat. If only you would exercise more, you aren't doing good enough, if you could eat better, you would look so much better, but you may as well not even try because you will fail, etc. These thoughts were so discouraging, and painful. But then I remembered a talk given by Susan W. Tanner in the October 2005 General Conference called "The sanctity of the body". She talked about how Satan's punishment was to not have a body, and so he does everything in his power to get us to mistreat our bodies. She said that it is different for everybody. He seduces some people to despise their bodies, and others to worship theirs. He convinces the world to regard the body merely as an "object". She then went on to say that the body is a gift to be treated with gratitude and respect. She talked about the body being a temple (1 corinthians 3:16) and then asked the question- "What would happen if we truly treated our bodies as temples?" The part about the talk that gave me the most encouragement was a story she shared about when she was a teenager.
Sister Tanner explained that when she was a teenager, she had a terrible case of acne. She did everything she could think of to get rid of it. She stopped eating chocolate and pizza, and even sought medical attention, but it did not go away. She felt so self conscious about it that it made her feel bad about herself. Her mom gave her a GREAT piece of advice, and that was to do all that she could to make herself look and feel presentable each morning, but as soon as she walked out of her door, she was to forget herself and serve others. This has completely changed me.
This time around with Rebecca, despite my trying really hard to not gain too much weight, I gained the same amount as I did with Calvin, but there is a HUGE difference. I made a goal to not let it cripple me the way it did with Calvin. I sought the Lord's help in this and prayed and prayed the whole time I was pregnant, and even afterward. I really took sister Tanner's advice, and I do all that I can to make myself look good. I exercise, eat well, and take showers every day. I put makeup on, wear earrings, do my hair (it might just be a pony tail, but I at least comb it and make it look good and not messy) and I get dressed. As soon as I leave, I say a quick prayer that He will help me to not let my weight get the better of me, and if I ever start thinking negatively, I tell myself over and over: "You are a beautiful child of God who is blessed to have a body, to make bodies, and to care for His children. Because you are willing to give up what you would like (for a time), your children have the opportunity to come to this earth and become as Heavenly Father is, just like you have the same opportunity because of what your mother gave up for you." This helps me to think more positively, stop thinking about myself, and then serve others cheerfully. Sometimes I have to repeat it in my head about 3 to 5 times, but eventually, I feel better!
When I was leaving the gym one day, I realized I was covering my stomach with my jacket, and I felt prompted to stand up straight, put a smile on my face and to forget about my insecurities. I repeated that phrase in my head about 2 times, and then went on my way as I felt I should. I saw two women (fitness instructors with amazing bodies). Because I had just done that, I had the courage to smile and say hello. Had I not just done what I did in my head, I probably would have felt terrible about myself, and had a bad self-centered day!



I know this is a long post, but I feel like I am not the only person who struggles with this. I thought this would be a good read for hopefully at least one person out there who feels bad about how they look and feel because of their weight or other physical insecurities. I am just so glad that Heavenly Father cares enough to help us with problems that we feel are not important to him. Our happiness is very important to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and we shouldn't feel dumb for asking for help. When I had Calvin he didn't take the problem away, but he helped me find a way to take charge and to grow because of it, and he is continuing to help me grow more.