Be Still...

Warning:  This blog post is religious and LONG.  I hope that you will read it, as it is very important to me, and I felt I needed to share it.  Also, I didn't check for grammar errors, etc.  It's all very random as my mind has been racing with many things lately, but I hope there is something in here that touches somebody.  :)

****I watched this video clip, this video clip and this video clip after writing this post.  It sums up my experience over the last 1 1/2 years.  This really is how I got through the challenges (especially the worst of my back pain).  I am on to a new challenge, that the previous year has been preparing me for.  I now know where to look for comfort, guidance and hope.****

I've had a lot on my mind lately concerning the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  Back in high school, I read and studied my scriptures for 30 min a day most days of the week.  I felt very close to the spirit of Jesus Christ and felt He was my constant companion.  When I moved away from home, I felt so lost.  Not in a spiritual sense at first.  I just felt like I didn't know who I was anymore because I knew nobody, I was in a new place, and I didn't know what was next for me.  Over time, I gradually stopped reading my scriptures regularly.  I still believed in the Gospel, but it just didn't feel as real as before.  I spent the next 6 years wondering why I couldn't be as faithful, etc., as I had before.  I was constantly comparing myself to my "old" self.   I knew I hadn't been studying, but I didn't realize what effect that had on me.  All I knew was that I just didn't feel like I was "on fire" anymore.

After I had Rebecca, I struggled a lot with feelings of doubt, frustration, etc.  I had extreme back pain, and despite much effort, it would not go away.  I felt as though God had forgotten about me.  To make matters worse, I felt very depressed.  I never saw a doctor, but looking back, I'm certain I had postpartum depression.  That was a very dark time in my life.  I don't think others knew, but I felt horrible every day.  I didn't want to get out of bed, go anywhere, talk to anybody, etc.  I had to force myself to talk to others.  I'm so glad Calvin forced me to the playground and backyard often because I needed that social interaction.  I was always cranky with my children, with Brian and especially with myself.  I hated everything about myself, and that made it hard for me to see and feel the goodness of others.

I didn't know how to deal with the negativity.  Everything was wrong in my mind and I wanted so badly for that to change.  I remember one day feeling so angry with Brian and Calvin that I went to the other room to calm myself down before I said anything destructive.  I grabbed a notebook that I had just purchased for a different purpose and I wrote.  I wrote as fast as I could and with as much anger as I had ever felt.  I did this for about 45 minutes.  (I had never experienced writer's cramp so badly before that!)  I was so angry, and the things I wrote were so hurtful, but rather than swallow my thoughts and tuck them away, I decided that writing them down would get them off my mind.  As I started to read through those words, I realized how "off" they were.  My thoughts were so distorted.  I then decided to go back and address each thought and replace it with what was real.  As I did this, I felt peace come over me.  I signed the end of the entry "the happiest and saddest person on Earth."

That writing experience was probably the smartest thing I have ever done!  That was the first time I felt happy in months.  I decided then and there that I would use that notebook to write my feelings down each day.  Many times, I felt like I couldn't pray, so I'd write my thoughts down, and say a small prayer in my heart to tell Heavenly Father that I couldn't pray, and to please "count" what I wrote as a prayer.  I'd write, then think, then write some more, then think some more, etc. until I felt better.

The writing led me to make goals for studying my scriptures.  I'm proud to say that I've read my scriptures every day for 11 months now!  I didn't mean to write all of this down, but I felt I needed to provide some back story for this to all really make sense (at least in my mind).  As I was studying my scriptures tonight, I began to look back through my notebook.  As I did this, I couldn't get Psalms 46:10 out of my mind.  "Be still, and know that I am God..."  As I've taken time to write, it's helped me to be still (silent) for a bit and to sort through the thoughts swimming through my mind.  I've been able to look back and see the improvements I've made in my life over the last year.  I started out 1 year ago feeling like God had forgotten me, didn't care, etc.  I hated my life, and some days I even felt like everyone else hated me/didn't care.

As I have taken the time to listen, to learn, to grow, I've come to know God.  I can look at each challenge/trial I was given in the last year and know WHY I had to experience them.  I know that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the Living God.  He is real.  He has suffered for more than just our sins.  He knows our pains, sicknesses, weaknesses, etc., and he can comfort us.  He does not give us any trial that we can not handle.  He loves each of us.  I can say now that I am on fire.  My hope is that I can share with others what I know to be true.